Nightclubbing in Jamaica
Staying on the Caribbean side of Jamaica it would sometimes be a better idea to head towards your bed at midnight as opposed to accept the offer of one of the locals who runs the hotel entertainment to take us out for a genuine Jamaican nightclub experience.
Unfortunately 2 other male guests and I were far too stupid to think this was anything but a fabulous idea and so we piled into a Toyota people carrier and headed out to who knows where.
After driving past sheds and ghettos that had signs outside saying ’sofas for sale cheap‘ (setting a scene here), and 10 minutes later we are pulling up outside what looks like a large shed with a crowd outside wholly made up of local young men. I am not saying we stood out like sore thumbs but as we were pulling up there were a lot of pointed fingers and shouting and at this point it seemed to the three of us that we could have just entered the national stupid championships instead for the quality of our decision making.
Luckily the guy we were with was some sort of local hero after a brief British footballing career and it was evident we were safe whilst with him and so we headed inside to be welcomed by girls spinning slowly round poles in a dazed and obviously drugged up condition.
At this point we realised the nightclub was in fact a whorehouse. If that wasn’t obvious having a local girl come up to me, grab my groin and ask me for a drink suggested it either was in fact a whorehouse or the girls here were the friendliest I had ever met.
’He has the money,'I said pointing to one of my fellow holidaymakers and she kindly let go of my tackle and swiftly clamped on to his groin. He decided it was his best option to buy her a beer with the rest of us and then we spent a very nervy 15 minutes supping back on lager, declining the offers from the girls and hoping and praying we were getting out alive.
The journey back was a mixture of laughter and relief and whilst it was a memory to cherish it is not one that i would recommend to others.
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